when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
