I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
