You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize