He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Randomize
