im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
