Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
