Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
