Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize