it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
