I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
