im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
