and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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