I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Randomize
