my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
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