whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
