he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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