Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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