my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
