I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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