Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
