my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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