I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
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