9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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