Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
