I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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