Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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