I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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