when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
