he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
