You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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