I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
