Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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