I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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