I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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