her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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