Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
