We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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