A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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