you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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