Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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