I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
