I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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