MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Dear god my vagina.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
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