You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Randomize
