i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
