tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
