maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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