The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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