i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
