oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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