Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
