I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
