im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
