I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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