WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Holy sore nipples Batman
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize