In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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